I Never Promised You A Rose Garden

I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden Along with the sunshine there's gotta be a little rain sometime When you take you gotta give so live and let live and let go oh oh oh oh I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden

When Lynn Anderson released her hit single Rose Garden in 1970, I am more than certain she didn’t realize she was singing one of my fundamental secrets to a strong relationship with nearly anyone, my husband and kiddos in particular.

The secret I am referring to: rarely promise anything. Really! I realize the aforementioned statement may seem dark, even harsh. However, when one promises something, typically there is a larger than average probability that disappointment will follow.

Of course I promised to cherish, love, and respect my husband when we exchanged marriage vows nearly 26 years ago. And I meant it.

As a mother, I promised that I would love, protect, and be an anchor for my cherubs. And I meant this as well. Heck, my husband and children know I would walk barefoot on glass in a firestorm to keep them safe.

Why?

Because I don’t make absolute statements often. However, when I do promise something, it always becomes reality. Always.

Allow me to share some background information about my childhood.

I grew up in a household where promises were made and oftentimes disregarded, forgotten, or replaced with more critical priorities. The word “promise” was thrown about much like swatting mosquitos during a hot summer day. The nonverbal message that resulted from these broken promises was “your needs and wants are not important. At least not at the present time.” And please do not blame my parents. Although they wanted to “please,” there were always circumstances that interfered. Namely, my oldest sister, who required special attention and needs, in tandem with serious health issues, always was the priority in our home. I tried to understand the situation as a child, but the reality was one commitment after another was not met.

So I grew up not believing nearly every commitment my parents made to me, resulting in lack of trust and an overall feeling unimportance.

When I became a wife and parent I reflected on my past and knew the word “promise” was not going to be part of my everyday vocabulary. Instead, I use phrases like “I will try my very best,” “I hear you and I know what you are asking is important.” Because of this, my son and daughter believe me, trust me, and know they are a priority. My husband as well.

The word promise is not vacant from my life, but it is only used when there is 100% certainty.

Here’s some examples:

• “God’s love is unwavering. I promise.”

• “If you always give your best effort, I will always be proud of you. I promise”

• “I will always be your loudest and most enthusiastic cheerleader. I promise.”

• “There is always a silver lining in even the darkest situation. I promise.”

• “When you call or text me, I will always respond. I promise.”

Sometimes I hear and see parents being lured into the “promise trap.” Recognize this type of situation and avoid it at all costs.

Example of a promise trap:

“Mom, if I’m good while we’re in the supermarket can we go for ice cream? Promise?”

First and foremost, this type of dialogue is bribery or even extortion. Furthermore, you will be establishing a regrettable pattern for nearly all behaviors. Also, cooperative behavior should be the expectation and not a negotiation. The best and most effective rewards are spontaneous and unexpected.

Example at the conclusion of a successful shopping trip:

“Because the two of you (my children) were so helpful in the supermarket, after dinner let’s go for ice cream.” Notice I did not use the word “promise?”

Does choosing not to use the word “promise” communicate that my offer was empty or not reliable? Absolutely not! However, unavoidable obstacles can throw roadblocks in even the best planned scenario. Examples include illness, weather, and unplanned emergencies. Situations like the aforementioned should be rare. Regardless, things just sometimes happen.

Here’s the two takeaways from my decision to not use the word “promise” often:

• Words matter.

• Don’t repeat the missteps of your parents.

I know I’ve written a few times before that one’s most important role as a parent is that of a role model. When your cherubs eventually become independent and leave their nest, they will carry with them lessons that will act as a foundation for when they become a spouse or a parent. Hopefully, they will be lessons enveloped in love and trust.

In 1970, Lynn Anderson was prophetic when she sang about promises and rose gardens. I am certain her music was not meant to be a blueprint for relationships. But it kind of is.

Choose words wisely.

Build trust.

And when you do promise something, make certain it happens.

1970? Gosh, I feel old!