Job Requirements of a Mother

Hello again.

I know you have missed me; thank you for the kind emails expressing concerns about my “disappearance.” I’ve missed you too.

Essentially, I decided to take a year off. There has been quite a bit of change in my life and daily routine. Moving was a big part of that.

Well, I’m back. Look for more posts about marriage, relationships, and parenthood.

Be chill.

Ellen

XO

Job Requirements of a Mother

Mother’s Day is next week and although my cherubs are now adults and live distances away, they always seem to carve out time to honor me. Although they are both very busy and lead overly full lives, they take time and make efforts to say “Thanks Mom for always being there, no matter what.” Words like these are my trophies for the time, energy, and sacrifices I have made since I accepted the role of “mother.”

Am I the perfect mother? No. However I do my very best, learning each day from my successes and missteps. The role of mother has changed as my children have transitioned into adults. However, there are some job descriptives that have remained constant. Below are some fundamental job requirements I have embraced as my role of mom.

Sacrifice

As a mother you start learning the meaning of sacrifice from the first day you find out you are expecting. I sacrificed sleep, routine hygiene, aspects of my career, finance resources, interests, and being spontaneous to name only a few aspects of my life before I decided to become a mother. And did I mention caffein? Frankly when I first became a mom, I was naïve how much I would have to give-up or put on hold. Sometimes, I became resentful. However, these were fleeting moments eclipsed by the love I gave and received by my son and daughter. Sacrifice is not always easy or convenient, but it is a necessary requirement of being a mother.

Acceptance

Sometimes you have premeditated ideas that don’t always go as planned. As a mother you need to accept that the likes, dislikes, or interests of your children do not always match your own. Certainly, you can have influence, but your child is uniquely “wired” with their own desires and goals.

I have friend who is a concert cellist for a well-respected international orchestra. Ann lives and breathes music and cannot imagine life without playing her beloved instrument. When she gave birth to her daughter, Stella, she dreamed of the day that they would play classical music together. When her daughter turned five years old, she was gifted with a cello custom fitted for her size. Stella was enrolled in music lessons and most free time revolved around studying and practicing her cello. A pattern started to emerge. Stella routinely would get emotional right before her music lessons or practice sessions. Tears and tantrums became the norm.

When Stella turned nine years old, she emphatically demanded to quit the cello. She had the vocabulary and courage to share with her parents that she no longer wanted to play her instrument, but instead join her friend’s playing soccer. It was difficult, but Stella’s parents accepted that she was not interested in music and allowed her to participate in sports.

Today, at eighteen, Stella is a well-rounded, sports centered, honor student. Her mother learned to understand the verbal and non-verbal cues of her daughter. When Ann and her husband welcomed a son to their family, she didn’t make the same mistakes she unintentionally practiced with her daughter.

Acceptance of your child’s likes, dislikes, passions, and unique wiring is showing your child love.

Honesty

I am always honest with my children. Even if it is uncomfortable or can have emotionally hurtful consequences, I am honest. Honesty builds trust, even at a young age. Subsequently, dishonesty can erode trust, at a young age.

I am the youngest of three daughters. My oldest sister, Martha, became very ill when I was eight years old. My parents searched for answers and cures to help their oldest child recover. I have the distinct memory of asking my mother, many times, if Martha was ever going to get better. Was she dying? My mom would always respond “Yes, she is going to get better, of course.” In fact, my sister was dying and eventually succumbed to her illness. My mother knew this yet was not honest with me. From that day, I always questioned if my mother was truly being honest with me or avoiding difficult conversations.

Now some people would defend my mother’s choice of untruths, thinking I was too young to comprehend the reality of death. However, I was very aware. I could see, hear, and touch the reality. Some would argue that my parents were being optimistic. However, I knew this was not the case by piecing together conversations my mother and father had amongst themselves.

Once trust is compromised, it is difficult to reestablish. An effective, loving mother is always honest with their children.

Available

When my children need me, I am there. Sometimes they didn't directly express this desire, however, I instinctually knew. Being “available” sometimes goes hand in hand with “sacrifice.” My plans and personal goals were, at times, delayed or outrightly cancelled because I needed to be available for my kids.

Now of course I am not writing about whims or ridiculous situations or demands. I am referring to events that shape character, reinforce trust, or are significant happenings in their lives at that time.

I was preparing dinner when my teenage daughter walked into the kitchen and asked me to join her for a cup of coffee at her favorite refueling spot. Immediately, I stopped what I was doing, turned-off the oven, grabbed my jacket while heading out the door. Over coffee my daughter was asking for support concerning a decision she had made. She expressed that during her junior year of high school she did not want to participate on the school’s track and field team. She shared that academics were paramount to her and that her AP schedule was very demanding. She felt that track, a sport she had participated since middle school, was too much of a distraction from her studies. She concluded that she did not have time for both.

After hearing her concerns and realizing she approached this conclusion in an analytical and mature way, I blessed her decision.

Yes, dinner was nearly 90 minutes late that evening. Yes, the meal was somewhat overcooked. However, she knew I would be there when she needed me; the bond between daughter and mother had never been stronger.

Being available establishes to your children they are your priority.

Stand back

As your child matures, you need to provide an environment whereby they can intellectually grow in tandem with gaining confidence and learning from different environments and situations.

Do not be tempted to raise your child in an overly protective bubble, shielding them from situations, activities, and information that ultimately hinders them from forming their own opinions, experiencing joy and sorrow, and prevents them from making mistakes. Essentially, you are restricting your child’s intellectual, spiritual, and emotional growth by strategically raising them in this false and censored environment. The product of this type of parenting is lack of empathy, problem solving skills, grit, self-confidence, and resourcefulness.

In my humble opinion, I would rather have my child aware and equipped then naïve and unsuspecting.

I remember my then nineteen-year-old son boarding an airplane heading for Spain to study for a semester at the University of Barcelona. I was very uncomfortable that I was not a mere five-hour drive away; an entire ocean would separate us. In addition to his single suitcase and backpack, he had a post-it note tucked into his pocket with the address of his apartment for the next 5 months. Just some scribbled words on a 2” x 2” piece of paper.

He loved is time in Spain. Most weekends would find him in a different country learning how to navigate different cultures and language barriers. When he returned home, he was different. He had grown intellectually, spiritually, and socially. He was confident in his decision making and problem-solving skills.

Although it was not easy, I am so grateful I had the faith, strength, and courage to stand aside and let him “go.”

A good parent trusts the education, guidance, and moral base they have provided their child. Then, when the time is right, stand back, and let your son or daughter pave their own path of interests, choices, and goals. Let them go.

Being a mother is anything but easy. You are willing to sacrifice and accept their uniqueness. You are honest and make yourself available to them when they need you. However, the most difficult task is taking off the parental guard rails and standing back. You are not abandoning them. You will always be subtlety in the background lending an ear, giving an opinion, or just being their number one cheerleader.

Embrace your role as mom. It sounds cliché, but it sincerely is the most important job you can have. You have enormous power and influence. And remember, you are a role model to your child.

Happy Mother's Day!

Be strong.

Be chill,

Ellen

XO

For help learning to build a marriage based on Sacrifice, Trust, Respect, and Grace go to www.twoheartsinlove.com.