Men and Women are Wired Differently
Acknowledge and accept the fact that men and women are wired differently; the list of variances is very long. It includes differences in priorities, interests, and perspectives. I know, I know this statement has some exceptions. And yes, I recognize that some men and women share some priorities, interests, and perspectives. However, in general terms, men and women react differently in a wide array of situations. Conflict is no exception.
Typically, women want to resolve a dispute immediately. “Let’s get-to-it, hash it out and resolve it” right now mentality is not an unusual strategy or method of conflict resolution for a female to have. Mind you, this is just a personal observation I have had ministering couples or even in my own marriage.
Men, on the other hand, need time to resolve a dispute. Time can be defined as minutes, an afternoon, or even days.
Furthermore, what is classified as “important” in the mind of a female, maybe deemed unimportant or even trivial in the psyche of the male – or vice-versa.
Men need time to process conflict.
Women need resolution in order to move-on with their goals or day.
So, what’s the solution in achieving a successful conflict resolution that takes into consideration both the brains of a female and a male? Simply put, methodology.
Methodology, by definition, is a set or system of methods, principles, and rules for regulating a given discipline. In this case, we are referring to Speaker/Listener/Resolution Review Cards.
Ok, I can sense the eye-rolling again. Remember learning to drive a car? You had to know and obey the “Rules of the Road.” Well, conflict resolution is somewhat similar. However, in addition to rules there a method or a roadmap. Otherwise, without these tools, the conflict will most likely become explosive, frustration will build, and the chance of resolution will be near zero.
First, remind yourself of The Rules (see button below for the link).
Second, accept how your mate addresses conflict as it relates to timing.
Example: Joy wants to discuss with her husband, Jack, that she wants him to play less golf and spend more time with the family. Over breakfast, she cues Jack and makes the request: “Can we talk about Family Time this evening, when the kids are in bed? I think the kids would love to spend more time as a family on the weekends.” This cue gives Jack most of the day to process the future potential conflict. Realize, by nature, Jack will want to protect his golf time. However, with the tool of time, he will most likely begin to understand his wife’s request. Later, Joy needs to begin the conversation, with the Speaker/Listener/Resolution Review Cards (see button below) in hand to guide the conversation, with “I know we will agree on a compromise this evening. I know you love golf and it is important to you. I never want you to give up the game. However, do you think you can arrange for earlier tee times so that you can spend the afternoon with your family? I know the kids, and I would love that.”
Joy’s Method:
Note that Joy did not go into an “attack” mode, but a “suggestive” tone with a possible solution as part of the conversation. Now, a calm discussion can begin and hopefully, a satisfying compromise can be constructed.
By giving Jack time to process the planned conversation and potential conflict, Joy has a much greater opportunity for a successful compromise.
If your partner or spouse requires time to process, you need to give them that, within reason.
Time is not to be confused with Avoidance.
Again, back to learning to drive a car. The first time behind the wheel, you are apprehensive, hesitant, and even scared. With time, confidence grows as you get accustomed to driving and success is experiences (no fender-benders). This is the same with Conflict Resolution.
Remember, embrace the Rules, accept that your spouse is most likely wired differently than you, and have a Methodology while utilizing your Speaker / Listener / Resolution Review Cards (see button below). You will be apprehensive at first, but success will follow. Practice and commit to resolving conflict respectfully and productively.