How did I know I was in a committed relationship?

It's December and time for Gene to take over the blog this month. Do you notice his love of music?

Happy Holidays to all and you'll hear from me soon. In the meanwhile, Be Chill, XOXO! -Ellen

What is commitment?

Commitment can be defined in several ways. We must acknowledge that different kinds of commitment exist – commitment to raising children, commitment to washing the dishes, or commitment to saving money are all types of pledges that are negotiable between each half of couple in a relationship. However, when someone is in a truly committed and loving relationship, the definition expands to include monogamy and sexual exclusivity. This is what the covenant of marriage is based.

Also, a dedication to communicate ideas, that can pose potential conflicts, is a type of commitment that can help navigate a relationship. A major dispute can be a showstopper if a commitment is not present to communicate, discuss, and agree about pivotal topics. This type of communication, especially early in a relationship, is a type of dedication that gives each partner a common direction to grow. As my relationship with Ellen developed, conversations included such topics as:

· Children · Parenting · Family · Finances · Personal goals · Chores · Personal habits · Friends · Work

I acknowledge some of these themes are larger than others, however small points can grow to become big, even huge. But the important idea is to communicate; talk about the big and come to a consensus and discuss the small before it becomes big.

When my friendship with Ellen transitioned into a committed relationship, I can say that we both noticed some things, big and small, that were important to each of us and that helped us to understand and define our relationship.

I believe in us.

The first clue that I was in a committed relationship with Ellen was when I began using the pronoun “we.” That is, I was no longer an “I”. Before Ellen, “I took a bike ride” or “I went to the park.” Rather, conversations became “We took a bike ride” and “We went to the park.” In fact, sometimes when Ellen and I were in group conversations with others, we would start and finish each other’s sentences. I know we may have irritated some of our friends with our synchronicity.

I can get ………… satisfaction.

Another telltale sign that I was one half of a committed relationship was I felt a great deal of satisfaction with Ellen. I enjoyed being with Ellen. When I was away, I was thinking of her and wished to be with her. I did not want anything else, I was extremely satisfied with our relationship. I realized we were growing towards each other. I was “Over the moon!”

Together as one.

With that, I could also state that other people in my life were becoming less importance to me than my relationship with Ellen. When I was with her, I did not consider dating others or even notice other women. As an extension of that, my friends became less of a priority than my relationship with Ellen. I was also no longer a satellite of my Mother’s or Father’s family. When Ellen and I married, we created our own family with an established nucleus. While those other relationships’ were important, my commitment and marriage to Ellen became primary. This was especially important when our family expanded with the addition of children.

The Yin to my Yang.

I remember when Ellen and I were on a trip, traveling by car, and the GPS Ellen programmed to direct our path to the toll road interstate, kept guiding us off the highway to single lane country roads. We finally pulled over and I discovered Ellen had accidently programmed the Garmin to avoid toll roads. Now this mistake is not meant to poke fun of Ellen’s GPS programming flaws (she will readily admit that she is terrible with directions) but to point out how we complement each other. How she is the puzzle piece I was missing and she fit perfectly. And there are times that I needed assistance writing a newsletter article for my professional engineering society, and Ellen was able to help me focus on the thoughts that were already in my head, but I was not able to easily put down on paper. You see, she is the perfect lid to my pot, the perfect Yin to my Yang. Where I am weak, she is strong and where she is weak, I am strong.

You needed me, you put me high on a pedestal.

Let’s freely admit that we all have flaws; no one is perfect. Even though, like myself, my wife has shortcomings, I never would speak of them publically or among friends. Instead, I delight in emphasizing Ellen’s positive attributes – large and small. And my wife returns the consideration with my overt virtues. Essentially, I am my wife’s personal cheering squad, and she is mine. When I assumed this new role, I knew I was in a committed relationship.

No Sacrifice at all.

My willingness to sacrifice was additional evidence that I was in a committed relationship with Ellen. In fact, not only was I willing to sacrifice, I carried no expectation to receive anything in return. I know that some people tally favors that they do for their spouse or friends and they have expectations for future “courtesies’ in return. Sincerely, true “sacrifice” does not anticipate the expectancy for anything in return; there are no scales of equity, ever. A committed relationship reflects sacrifices made by each partner purely because that is what is best for the relationship, not what is best for the individual. Full stop.

What about love?

Lastly, I said earlier that I was going to talk about love. Love can be a full article by itself, but I can attest to my experience. When I met Ellen, I fell in love. But love does not necessarily mean commitment. Love can come quickly and hit you hard. You are together, having fun and Wham!, you are in love. But sometimes circumstances will get in the way of having a committed relationship. Situations including school, work, or family responsibilities sometimes interfere. Or the feelings of love are not returned. Honestly, your heart, mind, and soul need to be ready to find true love.

I hope my observations bring some perspective. I am grateful that I am in a committed relationship with Ellen and that I will be the rest of my life.

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